When your parent has a heart condition

Seeing a parent being taken ill can be frightening for children, and dealing with a long-term condition can affect family relationships. We hear from Robert, Eleanor and Chris about how they have dealt with their mother’s diagnosis, and the unexpected positive effect it has had on family life too. 

Siblings Robert, Chris and Eleanor Brown were at home watching Downton Abbey in September 2012 when their mother Sarah started getting intense chest pains. Eleanor, then 17, called 999 and remembers watching her mum being carried out of the house on a stretcher. “It isn’t something you forget very easily,” she says.  

Sarah was later diagnosed with microvascular angina and coronary artery spasm (also known as vasospastic angina). She experiences chest pain daily and sometimes needs to be treated in hospital for days or weeks at a time.  

Adjusting to change after a heart event

“I always thought of mum as invincible,” says Eleanor, “but when we went to see her for the first time in hospital she was attached to a drip and wires and she looked vulnerable and somehow smaller. Suddenly it was me comforting her, and that role reversal felt strange.” 

Robert, then 11, also found it difficult. “The first few times I visited mum in hospital I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t want to be there,” he says. Robert explains that over time, visiting Sarah in hospital has become a normal part of family life: “Now there’s a camaraderie – we band together and visiting her in hospital is just something we do to support her.”  

I always thought of mum as invincible

Eleanor Brown

Sarah’s husband Steve agrees that her stays in hospital have become easier to cope with. “The first episode was extremely traumatic for all of us, but as we’ve found out more about her conditions we’ve started to feel more assured that when Sarah’s in hospital she’ll come out of it the other side,” he says. 

Sarah’s diagnosis meant Steve took on additional responsibilities such as cooking and taking the children to activities – as well as looking after Sarah. The children started doing more to help at home too. 

“We naturally became more responsible for ourselves, doing whatever housework or cooking we could to keep everything running smoothly,” says Chris, now 22. “If I had to be somewhere I’d get the bus rather than ask dad for a lift.” Chris also looks for ways of helping Sarah when she’s experiencing pain: “Even if it’s just getting mum a hot water bottle so she’s comfortable; I can’t make her pain go away, but it helps to know I can do something.” 

Family communication  

Robert, Chris and Eleanor were 11, 15 and 17 when Sarah became ill, and to begin with the family didn’t talk openly about it. “It was a critical time in their adolescence and we wanted to protect them,” Sarah explains. 

As a result, Robert felt he was in the dark about what was happening. “As the youngest in the family no one really told me what was going on so I had to figure it out for myself,” he says.

Robert thinks protecting children from the truth can sometimes do more harm than good. “If children don’t know what’s happening they will fill in the gaps and they might think things are worse than they really are. You don’t have to sit children down to tell them everything but if they ask questions answer them honestly.”  

It was a critical time in their adolescence and we wanted to protect them

Sarah Brown

Robert found it helpful when Sarah started talking about her condition with friends and family while he was around: “It was a good way for me to absorb what was going on and to feel comfortable talking about it myself. With every year that passed I got more of an appreciation of what she was going through.” 

For Chris, it’s been important to establish how much he wants to know. “Being protected from the full extent of mum’s illness when I was younger meant I could focus on school, exams and university, and I didn’t worry too much,” he explains. “But we’re all getting to the age where we’re able to understand, and I’d rather know what’s going on.” 

Eleanor left home for university shortly after Sarah became ill, and, like Chris, has decided she wants to know when her mum is unwell in hospital, even if she’s far from home. “Once when I was in France mum went into hospital and they didn’t tell me. They thought they were protecting me but when I found out I was really annoyed,” she explains. “Yes, it’s difficult being away from home when mum’s unwell, but I feel better once I’ve spoken to her on the phone.”  

While Eleanor likes to be informed, she sometimes finds the topic can take over conversations at home. “Sometimes it can be frustrating if mum’s been in hospital and it’s all we talk about, so we make an effort to talk about our lives and what we’re up to,” she says. It’s also been important for Eleanor to take time for herself and see friends outside the bubble of family life. “My friends know a different side of me so I can talk about things in a different way,” she explains. 

Talking about your feelings 

Sarah developed depression after her diagnosis and started having counselling from a clinical psychologist. “It opened my eyes to see mum dealing with depression: we all have those moments and we need to talk about them,” Robert says. “I talk to mum about what’s happening in my life now because she’s been open with me.” 

Chris agrees that the family’s approach to dealing with personal problems has changed. “It’s partly because we’re older, but we do talk more,” he says. “We’ve become more vocal about our mental and physical health, which helps all of us. Mum’s condition has been awful at times, but some good has come out of it too.” 

For Sarah, the most important thing has been to recognise that her husband and children have their own needs and ways of coping. “We’ve learned not to make any assumptions about how anyone is feeling or to take each other for granted,” she says. 

Eleanor agrees: “I think we’ve gained a new perspective, which has had positive effects on our relationships – that’s the silver lining of a really difficult situation.” 

Find out more: 

• Read about how health problems can affect relationships and find advice from a relationships counsellor.